O my God, make I remember Your mercy for me, and make I declare am to You with thanksgiving. Make Your love wet my bones like morning dew, and make dem tell You, Who be like You, O Lord? You don break all the chains wey bind me; I go offer You sacrifice of thanksgiving. And I go declare how You take break dem; and everybody wey dey worship You, when dem hear this, go talk say, “Make dem bless the Lord for heaven and for earth; Im name great and wonderful.” Your words don hold firm inside my heart, and You surround me for every side. I don dey sure now about Your eternal life, even though na through image and as through mirror I dey see am. Yet I no dey doubt again say one Being dey wey no fit decay, and na from this Being every other thing wey exist come; and wetin I want now no be to dey more sure about You, but to stand more firm in You. But for my life for this world, everything still dey shake, and my heart need cleansing from the old yeast. The Way, wey be the Saviour Himself, please me well, but I still dey draw back from passing through am because e narrow. And You put am for my mind, and I see am as good thing, to go meet Simplicianus, wey I see as Your good servant; and Your grace dey shine for im life. I don also hear say, right from when e young, e don devote im life well-well to You. Now e don old; and because e don spend so many years dey follow Your ways with strong devotion, I feel say e go don gather plenty experience; and na so e be. Na from this store of experience I want make e tell me, as I lay my worries before am, which way go best for person for my condition to take follow Your paths.
Because I see say the Church full of people; and one dey follow this way, another dey follow that way. But I no happy say I dey live worldly life; yes, now wey my desires no dey burn inside me again as before, with hope for honour and gain, to remain under this kind heavy bondage come be very painful load. Because, when I compare those things with Your sweetness and the beauty of Your house wey I love, dem no dey give me joy again. But love for woman still hold me captive; and the Apostle no forbid me to marry, even though e advise me to choose something better, and above all e wish say everybody go be like imself. But because I weak, I choose the position wey go allow me satisfy myself more; and because of this one thing, everything else come dey toss me up and down. I come weak and worn out with worries wey dey drain my life, because for other matters, against my will, I must adjust myself to married life, wey I don give myself to and wey don hold me captive. I don hear from the mouth of the Truth say some eunuchs dey wey make demself eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven: but, as E talk, make the person wey fit accept am accept am. Truly, all people wey no know God, and wey no fit use the good things wey dem dey see to find Him wey good, dey live for emptiness. But I no dey inside that emptiness again; I don overcome am; and through the testimony wey all the things You create dey give together, I don find You, our Creator, and Your Word, wey be God with You, and together with You na one God, through whom You create everything. Another kind of people wey no dey honour God still dey: dem know God, but dem no glorify Am as God, and dem no give Am thanks. I don fall inside this one too, but Your right hand hold me up and bring me out from there, and You put me where I fit recover. Because You don tell human beings say, See, to fear the Lord na wisdom, and, No desire to appear wise; because those wey claim say dem wise come become fools. But now I don find the fine pearl, wey I suppose sell everything wey I get to buy, yet I still dey hesitate.
Na then I go meet Simplicianus, wey be father to Ambrose (wey don be Bishop now) as e receive Your grace, and wey Ambrose truly love like father. I tell am about all the many ways wey I don wander go astray. But when I mention say I don read some books of the Platonists, wey Victorinus, wey once be Professor of Rhetoric for Rome (and wey die as Christian, as I hear), translate enter Latin, e show how e glad say I no come across the writings of other philosophers, wey full of false reasoning and deceit, according to the basic teachings of this world. But the Platonists, for many ways, dey lead person to believe in God and His Word. Then, to encourage me to accept the humility of Christ, wey hide from wise people but wey God reveal to little ones, e talk about Victorinus imself, wey e know very well when e dey Rome. And wetin e tell me about am, I no go hide. Because the story get great praise of Your grace, wey I suppose proclaim to You: how that old man, wey get plenty knowledge and skill for the liberal sciences, and wey don read and weigh so many works of philosophers; wey teach so many noble Senators, and wey, as monument to the excellent way e do im work, deserve and receive im own statue for the Roman Forum (something wey people of this world dey count as great honour); this man, wey reach that old age still dey worship idols and join for rites wey insult holy things, rites wey almost all the nobles of Rome don give themselves to, and wey don stir the people to love
Anubis, the god wey dey bark, and all
The monster gods of every kind, wey fight
Against Neptune, Venus, and Minerva:
wey Rome once conquer but now dey worship, all of them wey old Victorinus don defend for so many years with powerful speech wey dey thunder;—now e no shame to become child of Your Christ, and newborn baby of Your fountain; e put im neck under the yoke of humility, and submit im forehead to the disgrace of the Cross.
O Lord, Lord, You wey bend the heavens and come down, wey touch the mountains and dem begin smoke, how You take enter that heart? E dey read the Holy Scripture (as Simplicianus talk), and e dey use all seriousness seek out and study all the Christian writings. E tell Simplicianus (no be for public, but for private, as friend), “Make you understand say I don already be Christian.” Simplicianus answer am, “I no go believe am, and I no go count you among Christians, unless I see you for the Church of Christ.” The other man come reply as joke, “Na walls dey make people Christian?” E dey often talk say e don already be Christian, and each time Simplicianus dey give am the same answer, the other man go bring up that im joke about “walls” again. Because e dey fear to offend im friends, proud people wey dey worship demons. E think say, from the height of their Babylonian dignity, like the cedar trees of Libanus wey the Lord never break down, the full weight of their hatred go fall on am. But after reading and serious reflection don make am stand firm, e begin fear say Christ go deny am before the holy angels if e now fear to confess Christ before people. E come see imself as person wey guilty of serious offence, because e dey shame for the Sacraments of the humility of Your Word, but e no dey shame for the rites wey insult holy things, the rites of those proud demons wey e don copy their pride and follow their rites. E come get boldness against vanity, but shame before the truth, and suddenly, when nobody expect am, e tell Simplicianus (as Simplicianus imself tell me), “Make we go Church; I want make dem make me Christian.” But Simplicianus, wey no fit contain im joy, follow am go. And after dem admit am to the first Sacrament and e become Catechumen, no long time pass before e submit im name too, so that e fit be born again through Baptism. Rome wonder, and the Church rejoice. The proud people see am and vex; dem grind their teeth, and melt away. But the Lord God na the hope of Your servant, and e no pay attention to vanities and madness wey full of lies.
To finish di story, when di time reach for am to declare im faith (for Rome, people wey dey about to receive Your grace dey stand for high place, for front of all di faithful, declare am with fixed words wey dem don learn by heart), e talk say di priests offer Victorinus chance to declare im faith for private, as dem dey do for people wey shame fit make fear catch. But e choose instead to declare im salvation for front of di holy crowd. “Because no be salvation e teach when e dey teach di art of public speaking, yet e teach dat one openly. So why e go fear Your gentle flock when e dey speak Your word, when e no fear crowd wey dey behave like mad people as e dey speak im own words!” So, when e climb up to declare im faith, all of dem wey know am begin whisper im name to one another with joy to congratulate am. And who for there no know am? Quiet murmur pass through di mouth of di whole crowd wey dey rejoice: Victorinus! Victorinus! As dem see am, dem burst into great joy at once; then, at once, dem quiet so dem fit hear am. E declare di true faith with wonderful boldness, and all of dem wish to draw am enter inside their very heart. Yes, with their love and joy, dem draw am reach there; na these be di hands wey dem use draw am.
Good God! Wetin dey happen inside person, wey go make am rejoice more for di salvation of one soul wey people don lose hope for, and wey don escape greater danger, pass if hope don always dey for am, or di danger no too much? Because na so You too, merciful Father, dey rejoice more over one sinner wey turn from sin come back to You than over ninety-nine righteous people wey no need to repent. And we dey full of joy anytime we hear about di joy wey follow as dem carry di sheep wey stray come back for di shepherd shoulder, and as di silver coin return to Your treasury, with di neighbours rejoicing with di woman wey find am. And di joy for di solemn worship for Your house dey move us to tears when dem read for Your house about Your younger son, say e don die, but e come live again; e don lost, but dem don find am. Because You dey rejoice inside us and inside Your holy angels, wey holy love make holy. Because You no dey ever change; all di things wey dey change and wey no dey last forever, na di same unchanging way You take know dem forever.
Wetin then dey happen inside di soul, when e dey get more joy as e find or get back di things wey e love, pass if e don always get dem? Yes, other things too dey bear witness to this; everywhere full of things wey dey testify, dey cry out, “Na so e be.” Di commander wey win battle dey celebrate im victory; but e no for win if e no fight. And di greater di danger for di battle, na so di joy for di victory go greater. Storm dey toss sailors up and down, dey threaten to scatter their ship; all of dem face turn pale as death dey come near. Then sky and sea calm down, and dem full of great joy, just as dem don full of great fear. One friend dey sick, and di way im pulse dey beat show danger; all di people wey dey long make e well dey suffer for mind with am. E recover, even though e never fit waka with di strength wey e get before; yet di joy wey dey now no dey before when e dey waka healthy and strong. Yes, even di pleasures of human life, na through difficulties people dey get dem—not only through di ones wey come meet us when we no expect, and wey we no want, but even through trouble wey we choose by ourselves as we dey find pleasure. Food and drink no dey sweet unless hunger and thirst don first bite person. People wey like to drink dey chop some salted meat to make uncomfortable heat rise inside dem; when drink cool di heat down, e dey give dem pleasure. Dem also arrange am say dem no go give man di woman wey e don promise to marry immediately, so dat when e become her husband, e no go look her as person wey no get value, because e no first long for her while dem still dey wait to marry.
This same rule dey work for joy wey dirty and dey under curse; e dey work for joy wey dem allow and wey follow law; e dey work even for friendship wey reach di purest perfection; e dey work for di person wey don die but come live again, wey don lost but dem come find. Everywhere, na greater pain dey first come before greater joy. Wetin this one mean, O Lord my God, when You Yourself be joy to Yourself forever, and some things wey dey around You dey rejoice in You forever? Wetin e mean, say this part of Your creation dey rise and fall like this, one time dem no dey satisfied, another time dem don settle again? Na this be di measure wey You give dem? Na only this You assign to dem, when, from di highest heavens reach di lowest earth, from di beginning of di world reach di end of all ages, from di angel reach di worm, from di first movement reach di last, You dey put each one for im place, and bring each one into being for im own time, each thing good according to im kind? Chai, see my sorrow! How high You dey for di highest places, and how deep You dey for di deepest places! And You no dey ever leave us, yet na hardly we dey return to You.
Rise, Lord, and do Your work; stir our hearts, and call us back; light Your fire for us and draw us come meet You; make the fire burn strong, make us taste Your sweetness, make we love You now, make we run. No be plenty people, from one hell of blindness wey deep pass Victorinus own, dey return to You, come near You, and receive light, as dem receive that Light wey dey make all wey receive am get power from You to become Your children? But if the nations no too know dem, even people wey know dem no dey rejoice so much because of dem. Because when plenty people rejoice together, each person joy dey overflow more, because dem dey light and increase the fire for one another heart. Again, people wey plenty others know dey draw more people towards salvation, and dem dey lead the way with plenty people following dem. Na why even those wey don go before dem dey rejoice well-well because of dem, because no be only dem alone be the reason for their joy. Make e never be so, say for Your tabernacle, dem go favour rich people pass poor people, or people wey come from noble families pass people wey no come from noble families; instead, You don choose the weak things of this world to shame the strong; and You don choose the lowly things of this world, the things wey people despise, and the things wey be like say dem no dey at all, so that You go bring the things wey dey to nothing. Yet even the least among Your apostles, wey You use im tongue announce these words, when through im battle, Paulus the Proconsul pride don fall, and dem don bring am under the easy yoke of Your Christ, and e don become subject of the great King, this apostle too, instead of im former name Saul, glad to bear the name Paul, as testimony to this kind great victory. Because the enemy defeat dey greater when dem defeat am for one person wey e hold more firmly, and wey e dey use hold more people. But e dey hold proud people more firmly because of their noble rank; and through their authority, e dey use dem hold more people. So, as dem welcome Victorinus heart with greater joy—that heart wey the devil don hold like property wey nobody fit take from am—and Victorinus tongue, that powerful and sharp weapon wey e don use kill plenty people, na so Your children suppose rejoice even more abundantly. Because our King don tie the strong man, and dem don see as dem take im vessels from am, wash dem clean, make dem fit for Your honour, and make dem useful for the Lord, for every good work.
But when that Your servant, Simplicianus, tell me this story about Victorinus, strong desire burn for my heart to follow im example; because na this very reason make am tell me the story. But when e add how, for the time of Emperor Julian, dem make one law wey forbid Christians to teach the liberal sciences or the art of public speaking; and how Victorinus obey this law and choose to leave the school wey full of words rather than leave Your Word, wey You dey use make the tongues of people wey no fit talk speak well; for my eye, e no just be person wey stand firm, but person wey receive blessing too, as e don find this chance to serve only You. Na this same thing I dey sigh for, but I dey bound, no be with another person iron chains, but with my own will wey hard like iron. The enemy hold my will, and from there e make chain for me and tie me. Because stubborn will turn to sinful desire; and when person dey obey sinful desire, e turn to habit; and habit wey person no resist turn to something wey e no fit do without. Through these links wey join together, as e be (na why I call am chain), hard slavery hold me captive. But that new will wey don begin grow inside me—to serve You freely, and to desire to enjoy You, O God, the only joy wey sure—never get power to overcome my old stubbornness, wey don grow strong over the years. Na so my two wills, one new and the other old, one of the flesh and the other spiritual, dey struggle inside me; and their quarrel dey tear my soul apart.
Na so, from wetin I experience myself, I come understand wetin I don read: how di desires of di bodi dey oppose di spirit, and di spirit dey oppose di bodi. Truly, na still me for both sides; but I be myself more for wetin I approve inside myself than for wetin I no approve inside myself. For this second one, most of am no really be me again, because for plenty things, I dey endure wetin dey happen against my will, rather than do am willingly. Still, na through me habit take get this power to fight against me, because na willingly I take reach where I no want reach. And who get any right to complain if punishment wey just follow person wey sin? I no come get my old excuse again, say di reason why I still dey hesitate to rise above di world and serve You na because I never fully sure of di truth; because now, I don sure of am too. But as I still dey serve earthly things, I refuse to fight under Your banner, and I fear to dey free from everything wey dey weigh me down, just as person suppose fear make those things weigh am down. Na so di load of this present world hold me down with enjoyment, as if I dey sleep. And di thoughts wey I take dey meditate on You be like di efforts of person wey wan wake up, but heavy sleep overcome am and carry am enter sleep again. Nobody want sleep forever, and when people reason well, all of dem know say to dey awake better. Yet most times, when heavy sleep don fill person whole bodi, e go delay to shake di sleep comot; and even though part of am no happy about am, e still dey enjoy to surrender to sleep, even after time to rise don reach. Na so I take sure say e go far better for me to surrender myself to Your love than to hand myself over to my own greedy desires. But even though di first way satisfy my mind and win my approval, di second one give me pleasure and hold me under im power. I no get anything to answer You as You dey call me: Wake up, you wey dey sleep, rise from among di dead, and Christ go give you light. And when You show me from every side say wetin You talk na true, di truth expose my fault, and I no get anything at all to answer, except those dull words wey sleep full: “Soon, soon,” “in a moment,” “just leave me small.” But “in a moment, in a moment” never reach, and my “small time” continue for long time. Na for nothing I take dey delight in Your law for my inner self, when another law for di parts of my bodi dey rebel against di law of my mind, and carry me as prisoner under di law of sin wey dey inside di parts of my bodi. Because di law of sin na di strong force of habit, wey dey drag di mind and hold am, even against im will; but na wetin di mind deserve, because na willingly e take fall inside am. So, who go rescue me, miserable as I be, from this bodi of death, if no be Your grace alone, through Jesus Christ our Lord?
Now I go tell how You rescue me from di chains of desire wey bind me tight to di sinful desires of di flesh, and from di hard labour of worldly things; and I go acknowledge am to Your name, O Lord, my helper and my redeemer. As my worry dey increase, I still dey do my usual work, and every day I dey sigh to You. I dey attend Your Church anytime I free from di work wey im load dey make me groan. Alypius dey with me; after di third sitting, e don now free from im law work, and e dey wait to see who e go sell im legal advice to, just as I dey sell di skill of speaking—if teaching fit really give person that skill. Because of our friendship, Nebridius don now agree to teach under Verecundus, one citizen of Milan wey be grammar teacher and very close friend of all of us. Verecundus really want this faithful help wey e need well-well, and because of di right wey friendship give am, e press our group to provide am. So, no be desire for gain draw Nebridius enter this work, because if e want, e for use im learning make far more gain. Rather, as very kind and gentle friend, e no want fail to do this good thing or disregard our request. But e act with plenty wisdom for this matter: e avoid to make people wey this world regard as great know am, so that e fit avoid di distraction wey that one go bring to im mind. E want make im mind dey free and get as much quiet time as possible to seek, read or hear something about wisdom.
One day, when Nebridius no dey around (I no remember why), one man wey dem dey call Pontitianus come visit me and Alypius. E be our fellow African, and e hold high position for the Emperor palace. I no know wetin bring am come meet us, but we siddon dey talk. As we dey talk, e see one book for our front, on top table wey dem dey use play one kind game. E carry the book, open am, and instead of wetin e expect, e see say na Apostle Paul writings; because e think say na one of those books wey I dey wear myself out to teach. E smile, look me, and talk how e glad and how e surprise say e just find this book, and na only this one dey before my eyes. Because e be Christian wey don receive Baptism, and many times e dey bow down before You, our God, for church, dey pray often and for long time. When I tell am say I dey put plenty serious effort to study those Scriptures, the things wey e talk bring us enter discussion about Antony, the monk from Egypt. Thy servants know Antony name well and dem respect am well-well, but before that time, we never hear about am. When Pontitianus find this one out, e spend more time on the matter, dey tell us about am and dey wonder how we no know person wey so many people respect. But we stand amazed as we hear strong testimony about the wonderful works wey You do, for times wey never tey, almost for our own time, inside the true Faith and the Catholic Church. All of us wonder: we wonder say the works great like that, and e wonder say we never hear about them.
From there, e begin talk about the groups of people for monasteries and their holy way of life, wey be like sweet-smelling offering to You, and about the desert places for wilderness wey dey bear plenty spiritual fruit, wey we no know anything about. One monastery even dey Milan, outside the city walls, wey full of good brothers and dey under Ambrose loving care, but we no know about am. E continue to talk, and we keep quiet, dey listen with all our attention. Then e tell us how one afternoon for Triers, when the Emperor dey busy with the Circensian games, e and three of im companions go walk for gardens near the city walls. As dem dey walk two by two, one follow am go one side, while the other two waka on their own. As those two dey waka, dem come reach one small house where some of Your servants dey live, people wey poor for spirit, wey the kingdom of heaven belong to. There, dem find one small book about Antony life. One of them begin read am, admire wetin e read, and holy zeal begin burn inside am. As e dey read, e begin think about how e fit take up that kind life and leave im work for government to serve You. These two men be among those wey dem dey call agents for public affairs. Then suddenly, holy love and deep, sober shame fill am. As e dey vex for himself, e look im friend and talk, “Abeg, tell me, wetin we wan gain from all this our labour? Wetin we dey aim for? Wetin we dey serve for? The things we dey hope to get for palace fit pass to become the Emperor favourites? And even for that one, wetin dey there wey no fragile and full of danger? How many dangers we go pass through before we reach even greater danger? And when we go even reach there? But if I want become God friend, I fit become am now-now.” Na so e talk. As e dey feel the birth pains of new life, e turn im eyes back to the book and continue to read. Change begin happen inside am, where You fit see, and im mind begin free from the things of this world, as e soon become clear. Because as e dey read, and im heart dey rise and fall like waves, e struggle with himself for some time. Then e see the better road and make up im mind to follow am. Now wey e don belong to You, e tell im friend, “Now I don break free from all those things we bin dey hope for, and I don make up my mind to serve God. From this very hour, for this very place, I dey begin. If you no want follow my example, no stand for my way.” The other man answer say e go stay with am, so that e too go share for that kind glorious reward and that kind glorious service. So, as both of them don now belong to You, dem dey build the tower and pay the cost wey e require: to leave everything wey dem get and follow You. Then Pontitianus and the other man wey follow am, wey bin dey walk for other parts of the garden, come look for them reach that same place. When dem find them, dem remind them say make dem return, because the day don far gone. But the two men explain the decision wey dem don make and wetin dem plan to do, and how this desire start and take firm root inside them. Dem beg the others say, if dem no go join them, make dem no disturb them. Though nothing change for the other two men from how dem be before, dem still mourn their own condition, as Pontitianus talk. With devotion, dem congratulate the two men and ask them to remember them for their prayers. Then dem go back to the palace, with their hearts still tied to the things of this world. But the other two, wey don fix their hearts on heaven, remain for the small house. Both of them get women wey dem don promise to marry, and when those women hear wetin happen, dem too dedicate their virginity to God.
Na so Pontitianus story be; but You, O Lord, as e dey talk, turn me make I face myself. You comot me from behind my own back, where I hide myself because I no want examine myself; You put me for front of my own face, so I go see how dirty I be, how crooked and stained, how spots and sores full my body. I look myself, and fear catch me; I no see anywhere wey I fit run go escape from myself. And if I try turn my eye away from myself, e go continue im story, and You go put me face to face with myself again. You push me come front of my own eyes, so I go discover my wickedness and hate am. I don know am before, but I pretend say I no see am, I close eye for am, and I forget am.
But now, the more my love dey burn for those people wey I hear about their good desires—how dem surrender themselves completely to You make You heal dem—the more I dey hate myself when I compare myself with dem. Because plenty years, about twelve, don pass since I reach nineteen, when I read Cicero book, Hortensius, and serious love for wisdom wake up inside me. Still, I dey postpone to reject ordinary happiness for this world and give myself to search for that wisdom. No be only to find am better pass all the treasures and kingdoms of this world wey person don already get; even to search for am better pass all of dem, and better pass body pleasures, even if dem plenty around me and I fit enjoy dem anytime I want. But me, miserable person, miserable well-well, don beg You for chastity right from the beginning of my youth. I talk say, “Give me chastity and self-control, but no be yet.” Because I fear say You fit answer me quick, and quick heal me from the sickness of sinful desire, wey I want make e satisfy rather than make e quench. And I don waka through crooked ways inside one superstition wey dey disrespect holy things. No be say I really sure of am, but I prefer am to the other beliefs wey I no take sincere religious mind search into, but instead I oppose dem with bad mind.
And I been think say the reason why I dey postpone from day to day to reject the hopes of this world and follow only You na because nothing sure appear wey I fit direct my steps towards. But now the day don come when everything about me go open before my own eyes, and my conscience go blame me. “Where you dey now, my tongue? You talk say you no want throw away the load of vanity because of truth wey no sure; now, the truth don sure, yet that load still dey press you down, while those wey no wear themselves out like you as dem dey search for am, and wey no spend plenty years and more dey think about am, don get their load lifted from their shoulders, and dem don receive wings to fly away.” Na so this matter dey chop me for inside, and terrible shame scatter my mind well-well as Pontitianus dey talk. When e finish im story and the business wey bring am, e go im way; and I turn enter inside myself. Which bad thing I no talk against myself? Which whip of condemnation I no take flog my soul, so e go follow me as I dey struggle to follow You! Yet e draw back; e refuse, but e no give any excuse for itself. All the arguments don finish, and dem don show say none of dem stand; wetin remain na to draw back without any word. And my soul fear, just as e go fear death, make dem stop am from the flow of that habit wey dey waste am away till death.
Then, inside this serious fight wey dey go on inside me, wey I don strongly raise against my own soul for the inner room of my heart, my mind and face full of trouble, I turn face Alypius. I shout: “Wetin dey worry us? Wetin be this? Wetin you hear? People wey no get book learning dey rise up take heaven by force, but we, with all our learning and without courage, see where we dey wallow inside flesh and blood! We dey shame to follow because other people don go before us, but we no dey shame say we no even follow?” Na words like these I talk, and the burning trouble for my mind carry me comot from where e dey, while e just dey look me with surprise, without any word. Because no be my normal way of talking be that; and my forehead, cheeks, eyes, face colour and voice show wetin dey my mind pass the words wey I talk. One small garden dey for the place wey we lodge, and we fit use am, just as we fit use the whole house; because the owner of the house, wey receive us, no dey live there. Na there the trouble for my heart rush carry me go, where nobody go disturb the hot fight wey I dey fight with myself, until e end the way wey You know, but wey I no know. The confusion wey I dey inside na one wey dey bring me healing, and I dey die so that I fit live; I know the evil person wey I be, but I no know the good person wey I go soon become. So I go inside the garden, and Alypius follow me. Because im presence no stop me from being alone with myself; or how e go fit leave me when I dey so troubled? We sit down as far from the house as we fit. My spirit dey troubled, and I vex well-well say I never enter Your will and covenant, O my God, wey all my bones dey cry out to me make I enter, and dey praise am reach sky. And no be by ship, or chariot, or leg we dey enter there; no, we no even need move reach the distance wey I don come from the house to where we sit. Because, no be just to go, but to enter there, no need anything apart from to want to go—but to want am with firm mind and with all your heart; no be to dey turn this way and that way with a will wey don cripple and divide into two, dey struggle, with one part dey sink as the other part dey rise.
At last, inside the very heat of my inability to make up my mind, I move my body in many ways wey people sometimes want to move their own, but dem no fit, if dem no get the body parts, or if rope bind those parts, sickness weaken dem, or something else stop dem. So, if I pull my hair, beat my forehead, or join my fingers together hold my knee, I want do am, and I do am. But I fit want do am and still no do am, if the power to move my body parts no obey. So I do plenty things when “to want” no mean by itself say “to fit do”; yet I no do the thing wey I want do far, far more than all these, and wey, soon after, once I want am, I go fit do; because soon after, when I want am, I go want am with my whole heart. Because for these things, the power to do and the will to do na one, and to want na to do; yet I no do am. And my body more easily obey even the weakest desire of my soul, moving im parts at the soul’s smallest signal, pass how my soul obey itself to carry out, by the will alone, this very important thing wey e want.
Where this strange thing come from? And wetin e mean? Make Your mercy shine, so that I fit ask, whether the hidden punishments of human beings and those darkest pains of Adam children fit perhaps answer me. Where this strange thing come from? And wetin e mean? The mind command the body, and e obey at once; the mind command itself, and e meet resistance. The mind command the hand to move, and the hand ready so much that you hardly fit separate the command from the obedience. Yet the mind na mind, and the hand na body. The mind command the mind—its own self—to want, yet e no want. Where this strange thing come from? And wetin e mean? As I talk, e command itself to want, and e no go command unless e want; yet wetin e command no happen. But e no want am with im whole self; so e no command with im whole self. Because na to the extent wey e want, na so e command; and na to the extent wey e no want, na so the thing wey e command no happen. Because the will command make will dey—not another will, but itself. But e no command with im whole self, so wetin e command no come to be. Because if the will dey whole, e no go even need command make e dey, because e for don already dey. So to partly want and partly no want no be any strange thing, but na sickness of the mind: truth dey lift am up, but habit dey weigh am down, so e no rise with im whole self. And na why two wills dey, because one of dem no dey whole; and wetin one lack, the other one get.
Make dem perish comot from Your presence, O God, as people wey dey talk empty talk and people wey dey lead soul astray dey perish: dem notice say when person dey weigh wetin e go do, two different things fit dey wey e want, and dem come claim say two kinds of mind dey inside us, one good, di other evil. Na dem really be evil when dem hold on to these evil beliefs; and dem go become good when dem hold on to di truth and accept am, so Your Apostle fit tell dem say, Before, una be darkness, but now una be light inside di Lord. But dem want be light, no be inside di Lord, but inside demself; dem imagine say di nature of di soul na di same thing wey God be. Because of their terrible pride, dem come turn to darkness wey thick pass before; because dem don move farther away from You, di true Light wey dey give light to every person wey enter di world. Make una careful about wetin una dey talk, and make shame catch una: come near Him and receive light, and shame no go cover una face. When I dey weigh whether I go begin serve di Lord my God now, as I don plan for long, na me want am, na me no want am, na me, I myself. I no want am with all my will, and I no reject am with all my will. So I dey fight with myself, and na myself tear me apart. And this division happen against wetin I want, but e no show say another mind dey inside me; e show say my own mind dey suffer punishment. So no be me again dey do am, but na sin wey dey live inside me; na punishment for sin wey person commit more freely, because I be son of Adam.
Because if contrary natures plenty reach di different things wey person want wey dey fight each other, then no be only two go dey, but plenty. If one man dey weigh whether e go go their religious gathering or di theatre, these Manichees go shout say, See, two natures dey here: one good, e dey pull am come this side; di other bad, e dey pull am back go that side. Because where else this hesitation between di different things wey e want wey dey fight each other go come from? But I talk say both of dem bad: di one wey dey pull am go meet dem, and di one wey dey pull am back go di theatre. But dem believe say di desire wey dey pull am go meet dem no fit be anything except good. Wetin go come happen if one of us dey weigh wetin e go do, and e no know which one to choose as di two things wey e want dey fight each other: whether e go go di theatre or our church? These Manichees no go also find am hard to know wetin dem go answer? Because either dem must admit—wetin dem no really want do—say di desire wey dey lead person go our church good, just as di desire of their own people wey don receive their mysteries and wey those mysteries dey hold; or dem must suppose say two evil natures and two evil souls dey fight each other inside one man, and wetin dem dey talk, say one good and di other bad, no go be true; or dem must turn to di truth, and no deny again say when person dey weigh wetin e go do, na one soul dey move back and forth between contrary things wey e want.
So make dem no talk again, when dem notice two things wey one man want wey dey fight each other, say na two contrary souls dey fight, wey get two contrary substances, and wey come from two contrary principles, one good and di other bad. Because You, O true God, dey prove dem wrong, stop dem and show their error; as when both things wey person want bad, and e dey weigh whether e go kill one man with poison or with sword; whether e go seize this property or that property wey belong to another person, when e no fit seize both; whether e go spend money on luxury to get pleasure, or hold im money because of greed; whether e go go di circus or di theatre, if both open di same day; or thirdly, whether e go rob another person house, if e get di chance; or fourthly, whether e go commit adultery, if e also get di means to do am at di same time. All these things fit present demself at di same moment, and e fit want all of dem equally, even though e no fit do all of dem at once: because dem dey tear di mind apart among four, or even more things wey e want wey dey fight each other, since di things wey person fit want plenty well well. Yet dem still no dey claim say all these different substances dey. Na so e still be with things wey person want wey good. Because I dey ask dem, e good to enjoy reading di Apostle? Or e good to enjoy one Psalm wey get serious, calm spirit? Or e good to discuss di Gospel? Dem go answer each one say, “E good.” Wetin go come happen if all of dem give equal pleasure, and all at once? These different things wey e want no dey pull im mind go different sides as e dey weigh which one e suppose choose? Yet all of dem good, and dem dey oppose each other until e choose one, so im whole will fit turn towards that one, di same will wey divide into plenty before. Na so e still be when eternity wey dey above dey give us joy, and di pleasure of good things wey no go last dey hold us down below: na di same soul no dey want this one or that one with im whole will; and so, serious confusion dey tear am apart, as e dey put this one first because of truth, but because of habit, e no dey put that other one aside.
Na so my soul dey sick, and I dey suffer torment. I dey accuse myself more harshly pass as I dey normally do, dey roll and turn inside the chain wey hold me, until e go break finish. The chain don almost loose me, but e still dey hold me. And You, O Lord, use mercy wey hard on me press me deep inside my heart, dey double the strokes of fear and shame, so that I no go give in again and fail to break that small tie wey still remain, until e regain strength and bind me tighter. For I tell myself, “Make e happen now, make e happen now.” And as I dey talk, I almost put am into action: I almost do am, but I no do am. Still, I no fall back to my former condition; I remain very near, and I catch my breath. I try again, and na smaller thing remain; e come small again, until I almost touch am and hold am. Yet I no reach am, I no touch am, and I no hold am. I dey hesitate to die to death and to live to life. And the worse thing wey I don get used to get more power over me pass the better thing wey I never get used to. The nearer the very moment wey I go become different from who I be dey come, the more terrible fear e dey put inside me. Yet e no push me back or turn me away; e only leave me hanging between the two.
Those things wey no get any real value at all, those empty vanities, my old lovers, still dey hold me. Dem tug the cloth of my flesh and whisper softly, “You wan throw us away? And from that moment, we no go ever dey with you again? And from that moment, this thing or that thing no go ever dey allowed for you again?” And wetin be the things wey dem dey suggest when I talk say, “this thing or that thing”? Wetin dem dey suggest, O my God? Make Your mercy turn am away from the soul of Your servant. See the dirty things wey dem dey suggest! See the shame! By now, I no dey hear dem reach even half as before. Dem no dey show themselves openly to argue with me again; instead, dem dey murmur as if na behind my back, and secretly dey tug me as I dey leave, just to make me look back at dem. Still, dem delay me, so I dey hesitate to break free, shake dem off, and jump over to where dem dey call me go. One strong habit dey tell me, “You think say you fit live without dem?”
But now, the voice of that habit don faint well-well. For that side wey I don face, where I dey tremble to go, the pure dignity of Self-control appear to me. She dey calm and joyful, but no be with careless joy. With honour, she dey draw me to come without doubt. She stretch out her holy hands to receive and embrace me, and her hands full of plenty good examples. Plenty young men and maidens dey there, young people and people of every age, serious-minded widows and old virgins. And Self-control herself dey inside all of dem. She no be barren woman, but mother wey bear plenty children of joy through You, her Husband, O Lord. She smile at me with gentle teasing wey dey persuade me, as if she dey talk say, “You no fit do wetin these young men and these maidens fit do? Or na by their own power dem fit do am, no be through the Lord their God? Na the Lord their God give me to dem. Why you dey try stand by your own power, and so you no fit stand? Throw yourself on Him. No fear: He no go draw Himself back make you fall. Throw yourself on Him without fear; He go receive you and heal you.” Shame catch me well-well, because I still dey hear the murmuring of those worthless things, and I remain hanging between the two. And again, she seem to talk say, “Block your ears against those your unclean body parts wey belong to this earth, so that dem go die to sin. Dem dey tell you about pleasures, but no be as the law of the Lord your God dey tell you.” This quarrel inside my heart na only between me and myself. But Alypius, wey sit close beside me, quietly dey wait to see how this deep trouble of mind wey no be my usual way go end.
But when deep reflection don gather all my misery from the secret depth of my soul, come heap am up before the eyes of my heart, one mighty storm rise, and e bring heavy rain of tears. So that I fit pour all the tears out as dem naturally dey come, I stand up leave Alypius: e come to my mind say to dey alone go better for this crying; so I go far enough so that even im presence no go be burden for me. Na so e be with me that time, and e notice something about am; because I suppose say I don talk something, and the sound of my voice show say tears dey choke me, before I stand up. So e remain where we bin dey sit, with very great surprise. I no know how I take throw myself down under one fig tree, and I let my tears flow without holding dem back; the flood from my eyes pour out as sacrifice wey You accept. And though no be these exact words I use, na this kind thing I talk plenty to You: And You, O Lord, how long? How long, Lord, You go dey vex for ever? No remember our sins of before, because I feel say dem still hold me. I send these words of sorrow up to You: How long, how long I go dey talk, “Tomorrow, and tomorrow?” Why no be now? Why my life of impurity no fit end this very hour?
Na so I dey talk and cry, with the deepest and most bitter sorrow for sin inside my heart, when, see! I hear one voice from one house nearby. Whether na boy or girl, I no know. The voice dey chant, dey repeat again and again, “Pick am up, read am; pick am up, read am.” At once, my face change, and I begin think with all my mind whether children dey sing this kind words for any play wey dem dey play; but I no fit remember any time wey I don hear anything like am. So I hold back the flood of my tears and stand up; I understand am as nothing else but command from God to open the book and read the first chapter wey I go find. Because I don hear about Antony: when e enter as dem dey read the Gospel, e receive the instruction as if na to am dem dey talk wetin dem dey read: Go, sell everything wey you get, give to poor people, and you go get treasure for heaven; then come follow Me. And through this word from God, e turn to You at once. So, with strong eagerness, I go back to where Alypius dey sit, because na there I leave the book of the Apostle when I stand up comot. I grab am, open am, and read in silence the part wey my eyes first fall on: No be for wild partying and drunkenness, no be for sexual sin and shameless living, no be for quarrel and envy; but make una put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and no make provision for the flesh to satisfy im sinful desires. I no wan read any further, and I no need to: because at once, as I reach the end of this sentence, e be as if light of peace enter my heart, and all the darkness of doubt disappear.
Then I put my finger, or some other mark, between the pages, close the book, and with calm face tell Alypius wetin happen. And na so e show me wetin don happen inside am, wey I no know before. E ask to see wetin I read: I show am; and e look even beyond the place wey I stop reading, and I no know wetin follow. Na this follow: Welcome the person wey weak for faith. E apply this one to imself, and tell me. This instruction give am strength; and with good decision and firm purpose, wey really match im character—because for this matter e always dey very different from me, for the better—e join me without any troubled delay. From there we go inside meet my mama; we tell am; e rejoice. We tell am everything in the order wey e happen; e jump for joy, e celebrate the victory, and e bless You, wey fit do pass wetin we ask or think; because e see say You don give am more for my sake than wetin e dey always beg for with im pitiful groaning wey full of deep sorrow. Because You turn me to Yourself, so that I no dey seek wife again, or any hope for this world, as I dey stand for that rule of faith where You don show me to am for one vision many years before. And You turn im mourning to joy, joy wey plenty pass wetin e desire, and for way wey precious and pure pass wetin e first ask for when e want make I born children wey go be im grandchildren.