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The Fourth Commandment:
Honour your papa and your mama, so that you go fit live long for the land wey the LORD your God dey give you. (Ex 20:12)
To read the summary of this Commandment, read Catechism #2199.
The first three Commandments concern the love and worship wey we dey give God directly. For them, we dey learn how to love God with all our heart, mind, soul and strength. Commandments Four to Ten call us to love our neighbour as we love ourselves (Mk 12:31).
The Fourth Commandment especially bring out how we understand family according to nature and the Christian faith. E focus on the responsibility wey pikin dem get towards their papa and mama, but e still help us understand the role and duty of papa and mama, husband and wife, everybody for family and government authorities. This Commandment cover plenty questions about wetin good and wetin bad inside family and society as a whole. So, instead of looking only at the least wey this Commandment require and the highest wey e call us to reach, make we look am from different sides, so that we go understand more fully everything wey the Fourth Commandment call us to do.
God Plan for Papa and Mama
We go begin our reflection on this Commandment by looking at am according to God natural plan. “God create human beings for His image; for the image of God, He create them; male and female He create them. God bless them and God tell them: Make una bear pikin and multiply” (Gn 1:27–28).
Marriage and family na the most basic foundation of the whole society. God call man and woman to come together and enter covenant of love. This love na sharing for God life for the Trinity. The unity of husband and wife, wey the covenant dem make through their marriage vows establish, become the foundation to born and raise pikin dem.
True true, things no dey always reach this best way for life. Even so, na God natural plan for human beings we must see as the goal and foundation of human life. So, family life become the most basic building block of the whole society.
As e suppose be, na the love between husband and wife dey provide the right setting for pikin dem. The love wey husband and wife get for each other open them to God power to create and bring new life come. And this love wey dem share become the foundation to raise pikin dem for good environment of love and commitment wey no dey shake.
The duty of papa and mama flow from their commitment to each other, wey no fit break and wey no get condition. That love come overflow from their marriage reach their pikin dem. This love wey dey overflow show the love of the Trinity, because the love of the Father and the Son na the Person of the Holy Spirit, and the love of the whole Trinity dey overflow reach all human beings.
The love wey papa and mama get mean say dem get certain duties and responsibilities towards their pikin dem. Dem suppose see these duties too as special privileges wey dem get as dem dey born and raise their pikin dem.
The responsibilities (and privileges) wey papa and mama get start with providing the basic things wey their pikin dem need. Dem must give them food, clothes, place to stay and other things like that. But their duties pass these basic things by far. God still call them to help their pikin dem grow for their feelings, spiritual life and understanding. Papa and mama must care for and nurture the whole person: body, mind, soul and spirit.
For everyday life, this work get plenty different forms. The one wey matter pass na the spiritual nourishment wey God call papa or mama to give pikin. This mean say, pass any other person, na papa and mama God call to teach their pikin the ways of faith. Dem suppose teach them prayers and pray with them. Dem suppose carry them go church and make sure say dem learn their catechism. Dem suppose help them prepare to receive the Sacraments so that dem go grow for grace. And through wetin dem talk and wetin dem do, dem suppose teach them how to live good life according to God law. Dem suppose do everything wey dem fit do to help their pikin dem build deep, close and loving personal relationship with our God, wey be three Persons for one God.
Another important thing wey join closely with this necessary duty and privilege na to give pikin dem the right support for their feelings, with love and affection. Human beings need to give love and receive love, and papa and mama, pass any other person, must give their pikin dem love wey care for their feelings, their spiritual life and their life as human beings. This basic need wey human beings get dey help pikin dem grow become people wey get balance and good relationship with others, and wey sabi how to show others the right love and affection too.
To Be Holy Pikin
The Fourth Commandment especially bring out the duty wey pikin dem get towards their papa and mama. This one certainly concern small pikin dem, but e still concern pikin dem wey don become adults. The sacred bond between papa or mama and pikin fit change as time dey pass, but e dey remain always. Na part of God natural plan for human beings, and through His grace, He still raise am reach level wey pass nature.
E important make we start this reflection by looking well at the exact words of the Fourth Commandment. E talk say make you “honour” your papa and mama. Notice say e no talk say make you “obey” dem. Of course, for children, obedience na part of how dem dey honour their papa and mama. Make we look at how people for family dey live this out for every age.
The Authority of Papa and Mama: God don put one kind authority for the hand of papa and mama inside family. To start with, we see am as natural authority wey be part of God plan for human life. This authority cover plenty areas of family life, and e dey necessary for family to get good unity and function well.
Person fit misuse authority. When that one happen, e dey disturb the good order wey family life suppose get. Person fit also neglect to use authority, and when that one happen, disorder and confusion go enter. But when papa and mama use their authority according to God plan, e dey bring unity, strength and stability to the family, and e dey help children grow become men and women wey mature well for body and mind.
Obedience to Papa and Mama: One clear duty of papa and mama na to use the proper authority wey dem get over their children and expect their children to obey dem. Children, for their own part, dey honour the authority wey God give their papa and mama when dem submit to their guidance and honour the authority wey their papa and mama get over dem. This one good when papa and mama guide well and children accept their guidance well! Of course, that one no mean say e easy, but e good.
Children suppose obey their papa or mama for everything wey agree with God will. E clear say plenty things dey about right and wrong wey papa and mama must require their children to follow. These things dey help shape the children into people wey dey live upright life.
On the other hand, if papa or mama dey maltreat pikin by demanding make the pikin do wetin go against God will, that papa or mama no get authority to do this, and e dey cause plenty harm. For their own part, children often dey confused and hurt when this kind thing happen; as e suppose be, grandparents or other family members suppose step in when the wrong dey clear or when maltreatment dey happen. But e still true say no papa or mama go perfect, and dem must make some mistakes wey person fit more easily overlook and forgive.
Obedience to papa and mama cover plenty things. Papa and mama no suppose hesitate to set good “rules for the house” wey show good sense and wey go best help their children mature well. Children need to learn how to discipline themselves and take responsibility for life, and this one often dey happen when papa and mama use their authority in holy way.
To Honour Papa and Mama: All children, whether dem young or don grow, get the call to honour their papa and mama, no be only to obey dem. Even though obedience na part of that “honour” for small children, no be the only way dem dey honour their papa and mama. Children must also grow in respect for their papa and mama, and learn to show that respect for wetin dem dey talk and do. Children dey learn to love other people by first learning to love their papa and mama. Love between papa, mama and children na the most important “training ground” for love between human beings and for all the good ways wey dem go relate with people and society for future. So, the bond of love and honour between papa or mama and pikin go get very big effect on the kind people wey the children go become and how dem go relate with people throughout their lives.
For that reason, papa and mama no suppose hesitate to expect their children to honour dem in the proper way. Dem suppose help their children develop respect for dem by being papa and mama wey deserve respect. Of course, everybody deserve respect, but when papa or mama truly live honourable life wey full of virtue and genuine goodness, this one go help their children develop proper honour and respect for dem. So, one of the most important things wey papa or mama fit do na to be person wey children truly look up to and admire because of the virtue and goodness wey dem dey clearly show.
As children dey grow enter adulthood, their relationship with their papa and mama go change. The obedience wey dem owe their papa and mama before for normal everyday living no go dey necessary again, and e no go even help dem. Young adults, and later when dem don fully grow, need make their papa and mama expect dem to gradually take more and more responsibility for their own lives. This one especially concern all the small things, like wetin time dem go sleep, how dem go clean up after themselves, and so on. E go also include more important things, like who their friends be, which work or career dem go pursue, and things like that. Even though e fit still dey necessary sometimes for papa and mama to get some influence for the lives of their children wey don grow, proper balance must dey so that these grown children fit take responsibility for their lives and build on the foundation wey their papa and mama give dem throughout the time wey dem be children.
Even when children don grow become adults, dem still get responsibility to continue to love and respect their papa and mama. Dem must continue to give their parents important place for their lives, ask for their advice, and always show dem love and respect. This one dey much easier when papa or mama dey treat the children as e suppose be. E dey much harder when the parents no too “deserve” that respect. E dey especially hard for children wey don become adults when their parents no respect dem as adults, and when papa or mama no gree properly “release” the children make dem stand on their own. This one dey cause tension wey dey make am hard for dem to get relationship where dem dey give their parents the honour wey dem suppose give dem.
To Honour Parents Wey Don Old: As the old saying talk, “Wetin person do dey come back meet am!” For one way, this one still true for relationship between parents and children. Dem entrust parents with the work to love and care for children as dem dey grow. Dem must provide the basic material things wey the children need, together with wetin dem need for their feelings, their mind and their spiritual life.
But for most parents, one day go come when old age no go allow dem take care of themselves well again. When that time reach, na mainly the duty of their children wey don become adults to care for dem. This one include all the same needs wey we don mention above: material needs, and needs wey concern their feelings, their mind and their spiritual life. Yes, society as a whole get some responsibility towards old people, like healthcare, money support (such as social security), and other things. But na the children wey don become adults get the main responsibility, because dem get duty to honour their parents.
Family Life
When God bless parents with more than one child, the children too receive blessing through the way brothers and sisters dey relate with one another. Wetin God naturally intend for brothers and sisters resemble wetin E intend for parents, except for the part about obedience. Brothers and sisters dey give one another good opportunity to grow for love and respect for each other.
These family bonds dey give children wonderful opportunity to learn plenty basic things wey people need to relate well with one another. For example, brothers and sisters get duty to always work towards forgiving one another. Even though e no ever good make brothers and sisters fight, e still be like say quarrel must happen. But God dey turn this one to good, as E dey allow those times of forgiveness and reconciliation inside the family become times of mercy and healing. Brothers and sisters dey learn wetin e mean to feel pain because of another person sin, and then to offer forgiveness and mercy. Dem still dey learn how to ask for forgiveness and how to receive am when dem don hurt the others.
For families wey dey live well together, brothers and sisters no fit just reject one another as family. True, all of us don hear stories of brothers and sisters wey no dey talk to one another again at all. But especially for families wey dey live well together as the children dey grow, you no fit ignore your brother or sister every day. And good papa or mama go help bring reconciliation when dem need am. This one dey teach wonderful lesson for life. Inside the family, dem dey learn how to love, forgive and ask for forgiveness. Dem dey learn wetin mercy be and wetin e mean to get love wey no get condition. This na one of the natural blessings of family life as God intend am.
Tender Love Inside the Family: One basic thing wey human beings need na tender love wey good and holy. God make us to show one another proper tender love and to receive am from one another. When this tender love become twisted, e fit cause serious pain and show itself for ways wey dey destroy, like sexual abuse, anger, or bitterness. But when people live am well, proper tender love inside family dey help children well-well as dem dey grow and develop into adults wey get sound mind and character.
For example, e dey very natural for mama to hold and pet her newborn baby with tender care. And e dey very natural for that baby to hold the mama tight. As pikin dey grow, the way dem dey show that tender love go change, but the love suppose always dey. Papa too must show tender love for the lives of im children; this love dey meet basic human needs. When dem show this tender love for proper way, e dey help young man or young woman develop well for every part of life.
This reflection no cover deep examination of the part wey tender love from papa and mama dey play. But e good to point out say plenty studies dey show how important both of dem be. Both girls and boys wey dey grow get certain needs for the love and tender care wey mama dey give as woman, and the love and tender care wey papa dey give as man. And plenty studies dey show say young people wey no receive one or the other, or wey receive am for twisted way, dey face difficulty to mature for the way dem dey feel and show love. This one no mean say God no fit bring help and healing, but e important to recognise how important the love and tender care of both papa and mama be.
Christian Family Life: Jesus come this world and take our human nature. E do this one inside family for this earth. Jesus love Saint Joseph and Im Blessed Mother as pikin dey love, and dem love Am as parents dey love. E get cousins, aunties, uncles, grandparents, and other family members.
For the end, He make human life holy through the sacrifice of His death and resurrection. As He make human life holy, He also make family life holy. So, one of the things wey Jesus’ life, death and resurrection bring about na the establishment of the Christian family.
The difference between the Christian family and wetin we fit call the “natural family” be like the difference between our life of grace and our human nature. We suppose understand the Christian family as family wey Jesus’ life, death and resurrection dey alive and dey work well inside. This one mean say no be only natural human bonds join this particular family together; God grace join them too.
Christian family na family wey dey pray together, dey talk about faith and how to live good life, dey practise love for God and neighbour, and dey put God for the centre of everything wey dem dey do. The Christian family also dey show the world one special image of the love of the Trinity. Dem dey “spread the Gospel” through the witness of their love and unity in Christ. Families fit share for many levels of holiness, just as individuals fit share for many levels of holiness. So, the more each member dey grow towards perfection in Christ, the more the whole family dey reflect the life of the Most Holy Trinity.
The Fourth Commandment and Society
Na family be the most basic foundation wey the whole society stand on. This na important point wey we need to understand! E important so that family go fit carry out im role for society, and e also important to understand am so that society and the institutions inside am no go violate any family rights.
Since na family be the foundation of society, whether society go strong or weak no depend mainly on the political system wey dey in place; instead, society go reflect how well the families inside am dey. If plenty families strong, society go strong. If serious division and broken relationships dey inside plenty families or most families, society too go begin fall apart.
Leaders for culture and politics for every time and age must respect the family as institution and no violate am. Laws and things wey dey shape culture must mainly work to support each family rights and well-being. Dem must allow parents to do their work as parents and carry out their responsibilities faithfully. Society must only step in when clear cases of abuse dey inside family.
Apart from this, society wey be as e suppose be go encourage laws and things wey dey shape culture to support families as dem dey try to live according to the holy calling wey dem receive. When laws begin go against these family rights, people must take action.
The Work of Government Authorities
Apart from respect for family, this Commandment also require us to respect civil authorities and other authorities for society wey get rightful authority. Na some ways wey we fit fulfil this Commandment for society be these:
To Obey and Enforce Law: Laws must dey inside every society. Laws good when dem help society get proper order and dem agree with God divine law, or at least dem no go against am. So, this Commandment require us to obey all civil laws wey be rightful laws.
Political and Civil Leaders: Just as e be inside family, no be only obedience this Commandment require. E also require respect and honour. So, this Commandment require us to try to show proper respect to people for our community wey get special role to govern. Even if we no agree with some political aim, we must respect the office of those wey get authority.
This Commandment also call us to honour anybody wey dey serve the community. People wey dey for the Military na some of the people wey deserve respect and honour from society.
Other People Wey Get Authority: Plenty other people get authority over us for society. For example, because of this Commandment, we must obey teachers and listen to them. Or, when we visit private institution, like museum, we must show proper respect for the rules of that museum and for the people wey dey in charge of am.
Respect for Everybody: Lastly, just as brothers and sisters must try to respect one another because of this Commandment, na so we too must try to respect everybody for society. We must care for poor people and people wey dey in need, but we must also try to show basic good manners to anybody and everybody wey we meet.
Summary of the Least Wey the Fourth Commandment Require and the Highest Wey E Call Us to Reach
The main point, as we don explain above, simple well-well. Small children dey break this Commandment when dem no obey their parents as dem suppose. Parents dey break this Commandment when dem misuse the rights wey dem get over their children. Children wey don become adults dey break this Commandment when dem no care properly for their parents wey don dey old. And all of us dey break this Commandment when we no show proper respect for people wey get authority.
Di best way to reach di highest level of wetin this Commandment dey call us to do na to work towards deep love and respect for everybody. Prayer, love, respect, honour, obedience and unity na di keys to good family life and good life inside di wider community. When we see other people as people wey God make for His image and as people wey dey sacred, we go treat dem with di dignity wey dem deserve. No be mainly because we dey try avoid sin we go do so; instead, na because of di love wey God put for our hearts for everybody. We go be good children wey get love, parents wey dey faithful to their duty, brothers and sisters wey get charity, and excellent citizens. This Commandment dey call us to build true love and unity first inside our families, and from there, inside di whole society.
Practical Things to Consider
As we do with di other Commandments, make we look at di ways wey person fit break di Fourth Commandment as mortal sin. From there, we go fit see how person fit still break am as venial sin.
Matter Wey Serious Well Well: How person dey break di Fourth Commandment for way wey serious well well? Di examples wey serious pass na these: to abuse children, to seriously disobey parents, to neglect or abuse parents wey dey grow old, and to completely disregard di laws of di land and civil authority.
Since this Commandment especially dey show di responsibility wey pikin get towards im parent, make we look at one example of this kind. For example, make we say one parent get clear rule for im teenage son say e must don reach house by 10 PM. Di boy reach house, but for midnight e sneak comot to go enjoy night outing with im friend. This one na direct and serious breaking of di Fourth Commandment. E make sense to talk say this breaking of di Commandment na still matter wey serious well well.
To Know Fully: For di example above, e hard to imagine how this teenage boy no go know say to sneak comot for midnight na to break this Commandment. Maybe one way wey e fit happen say e no know fully na like this. Make we say nobody ever really explain di house rules well to this boy, and e dey im friend house dey talk with im friend parents. Im friend parents talk say nothing bad dey for teenage boy to go out for middle of di night, and say this boy parents dey too strict. Dem talk say na just “part of being teenager!” After e think about am, e decide say im friend parents dey right and im own parents dey too strict. So e conclude say nothing bad dey to just “be teenager” and sneak comot for night.
To sneak comot na wrong thing to do because na direct act of serious disobedience. But e still possible to imagine say this teenage boy no fully understand say e no suppose question im parents rules for this matter. If e use di thought say im parents dey too strict take justify wetin e do, e fit no get full knowledge because of di bad influence of im friend parents. As always, this one no make sneaking comot become right, but e fit reduce di personal guilt wey this boy get when e break di Fourth Commandment for this serious way.
To Use Your Own Will Agree Fully: As with di other Commandments wey we don cover reach now, e clear say plenty pressure and influence dey affect teenagers. Make we say one teenage boy know say to sneak comot na wrong, but all im friends dey sneak comot regularly. For school, dem dey always mock this boy, dey call am “mama boy” and “person wey no get mind.” At last, e give in to di pressure so that other people go stop to mock am. E know say e wrong, but e dey struggle seriously with di pressure from other people. For di end, if e sneak comot, e don break this Commandment for serious way. But, as always, God know di heart, and di circumstances be such that, most likely, e no carry 100% guilt for wetin e do before God. If this heavy pressure and “bullying” reduce im guilt even small, e fit no carry full guilt of mortal sin.
Venial Sin: People dey commit venial sins against this Commandment all di time inside family. No family dey perfect, so chance to grow go always dey. Some venial sins for this area go serious pass others, but many others go just be small shortfall for di proper love, honour and respect wey we owe one another, especially people inside our own family.
Next Chapter: Chapter 5 – Murder, Anger, and Human Dignity
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