Dear Mother, I think say I don write enough, but now you want make I talk more about my life as religious sister. I no go argue, but I no fit help to smile as I dey tell you things wey you know just as well as I know dem. Still, I go obey. I no dey ask wetin anybody fit gain from dis manuscript. I assure you say even if you burn am for my front without reading am, e no go worry me at all.
Plenty people for di Community believe say you don always dey pamper me since I enter di Convent; but, “Person dey see di things wey appear for outside, but di Lord dey look di heart.”[1] Dear Mother, I thank you again say you no spare me. Jesus know well say His Little Flower need di water of humiliation wey dey give life—e too weak to put root down without am, and na through you e receive this great blessing. But for some months now, di Divine Master don completely change di way wey E dey care for His Little Flower. Since E don surely see say e don get enough water, E now dey allow am spread under di warm light of bright sun. E dey smile on am, and this favour too dey come through you, dear Mother. But instead make those smiles harm di Little Flower, dem dey make am grow for wonderful way. Deep inside im heart, e treasure those precious drops of dew—di acts of self-denial from days wey don pass—and dem dey remind am say e small and e no strong. Even if all creatures come near to admire am and flatter am, that one no go add even small pride to di true joy wey dey fill am as e realise say, for God’s Eyes, e na only one poor thing wey no get value, and nothing more.
When I talk say praise no dey move me, dear Mother, I no mean di love and trust wey you dey show me; instead, dem dey touch my heart well-well. But I feel say I no get anything to fear again, and I fit listen to those praises without dem disturbing my heart, as I dey give God di credit for everything wey good inside me. If e please Am to make me appear better than I be, that one no concern me; E fit do as E wish. My God, see how many different ways You dey lead souls! We dey read about Saints wey leave absolutely nothing behind when dem die, not even di smallest thing wey people fit use remember dem, not even one line of writing. And others dey, like our holy Mother, St. Teresa, wey don enrich di Church with their teaching wey high and deep, and wey no hesitate to reveal “di secrets of di King,”[2] so that people go know Am better and love Am more.
Which of these two ways dey please Our Lord more? As I see am, both dey please Am equally.
All those wey God love don follow di inspiration of di Holy Spirit, wey command di prophets make dem write: “Tell di righteous person say all dey well.”[3] Yes, all dey well when person dey seek only wetin di Master want. So me, poor Little Flower, dey obey my Jesus when I try to please you, wey dey represent Am here for earth.
You know say I don always want to become Saint. But whenever I compare myself with di Saints, I don always feel say di distance between me and dem be like di distance between one grain of sand wey person wey dey pass dey match under foot, and di mountain wey im top disappear inside clouds.
Instead make I lose courage, I conclude say God no go put desires for person heart wey no fit come true, and say I too fit aim to become holy even though I small. For me to become great no possible. I must bear with myself and all di many ways wey I never perfect; but I go find one means to reach Heaven through one small way—wey very short and very straight, one small way wey completely new. We dey live for time of inventions; these days, rich people no need stress themselves to climb stairs, dem get lifts instead. So, I wan try find one lift wey go carry me up to God, because I too small to climb di steep stairs of perfection. I don search Holy Scripture to find any hint about wetin this lift wey I want so much fit be, and I read these words wey Eternal Wisdom Himself talk: “Anybody wey be little one, make e come to Me.”[4] Then I move near to God, sure say I don find wetin I dey look for. But because I want know more about wetin E go do for di little one, I continue to search, and na this I find: “Dem go carry you for breast and for lap; as mother dey pet her pikin, na so I go comfort you.”[5]
I never receive comfort from words wey tender and sweet reach these ones. So, O Jesus, na Your Arms be di lift wey must carry me up reach Heaven. To reach there, I no need grow; instead, I must remain small, I must become even smaller. O my God, You don do pass wetin I expect, and I . . . “I go sing about Your mercies! You don teach me, O Lord, from when I young, and till now I don dey tell of Your wonderful works, and I go continue so till old age and grey hair.”[6]
How this old age go be for me? E be like say e fit come now just as e fit come later: for the Eyes of the Lord, two thousand years no pass twenty years . . . no even pass one day! But Mama wey I love, no think say your pikin dey eager to leave you, or say e see am as greater grace to die for the morning of life instead of the evening; na to please Jesus e really value and want pass everything. Now wey E be like say Jesus dey come near and dey draw am go His Home for Heaven, e dey glad; e don understand say God no need anybody to do good for this earth, and God need am even less than other people. For now, I know wetin you want, Mama wey I love. You want make I stay by your side do one work wey sweet and easy,[7] and I go complete this work for Heaven. You don tell me, as Our Lord tell St. Peter: “Feed my lambs.” This one dey amaze me, because I feel say I small well-well. I don beg you make you feed your small lambs by yourself and keep me among dem. You don partly agree to this reasonable thing wey I ask, and you don call me their companion instead of their mistress. Still, you tell me make I lead dem through pastures wey grass dey grow well and shade dey, show dem where the grass sweet pass and good pass, and warn dem about the flowers wey dey shine but get poison, wey dem must never touch except to crush dem under their feet.
Mother wey I love, how e take be say my young age and lack of experience no make you fear? You no dey fear say I go allow your small sheep stray go far? As you do wetin you don do, maybe you remember say many times, e dey please our Lord to give wisdom to small ones.
For this earth, e really hard to find souls wey no dey use their own narrow thoughts measure God’s power wey no get limit. The world always dey ready to accept say exceptions fit dey everywhere for this earth. Na only God dem no dey allow this freedom. E don tey wey people don dey use age measure experience, because when the holy King David still young, e sing to His Lord: “I young and people despise me,”[8] but for the same Psalm, e no fear to talk say: “I don get understanding pass old men, because I don seek Your commandments. Your word na lamp for my feet, and light for my paths; I don swear, and I don make up my mind, to keep the judgments of Your Justice.”[9]
And you no even think say e no wise to assure me one day say the Divine Master don give my soul light and give me the experience wey person dey gain over many years. I too small now to dey guilty of pride in myself; I too small too to try prove my humility with words wey just sweet for ear. I prefer to admit with simple heart say “The One wey mighty don do great things for me”—[10] and the greatest na say E don show me how small I be and how I no fit do anything good.
My soul don know many kinds of trials. I don suffer plenty for this earth. When I be small pikin, I suffer with sadness, but now I dey find sweetness for everything. Any other person apart from you, Mama wey I love, wey know me well-well, go smile as dem read these pages, because any soul don ever look like say e face fewer trials than my own? But if people know the martyrdom wey I don endure for this past year, how all of dem go take surprise! Since na wetin you want, I go try describe am, but no words really fit explain these things. The words no go ever reach wetin really happen.
During Lent last year, I feel much better than ever before, and I continue like that reach Holy Week, even though I keep all the strict rules of the fast. But for the early hours of Good Friday, Jesus give me hope say I go soon join Am for His beautiful Home. How this memory sweet reach!
I no fit get permission to stay awake dey watch for the Altar of Repose throughout Thursday night, so I return to our small room for midnight. My head never even settle well for pillow when I feel something hot flow up reach my lips. I think say I dey about to die, and joy nearly burst my heart. But as I don already put out our lamp, I deny myself the chance to find out wetin happen until morning, and I sleep for peace. For five o’clock, when time reach to get up, I remember at once say I get some good news to find out. When I go the window, I see, just as I expect, say blood don soak our handkerchief. Mama wey I love well-well, see the kind hope wey I get! I believe with all my heart say, for this anniversary of His Death, my Beloved don allow me hear His first call, like sweet, low sound wey dey come from far, wey announce say E dey come near with joy.
I take part for Prime and Chapter with all my heart, and after that I hurry go kneel for my Mother’s feet and tell her about di happiness wey fill my heart. I no feel any pain at all, so I easily get permission to finish Lent di same way wey I start am, and for this Good Friday, I join for all di strict penance practices of Carmel without any relaxation. These penance practices never sweet me reach like this before; di hope say I go soon enter Heaven fill me with joy wey carry my whole heart.
Joy still full my heart as I return to our room for evening that happy day. I dey gently fall asleep when my sweet Jesus give me di same sign wey He give me di night before, say I go soon enter Eternal Life. My Faith clear and strong so tey na only di thought of Heaven dey give me delight. I no fit believe say e possible for people to no get Faith at all, and I dey sure say people wey deny say another world dey, know for their heart say dem dey lie.
But during di Easter days, wey light full, our Lord make me understand say people truly dey wey no get Faith and Hope, and na because dem misuse grace, dem lose these precious treasures, wey be di only source of pure joy wey dey last. He allow darkness to cover my soul completely, and di thought of Heaven, wey don dey console me since I small well-well, now turn to something wey dey bring struggle and torment. This trial no last only days or weeks; I don dey suffer for months, and I still dey wait for deliverance. I wish say I fit express wetin I dey feel, but I no fit. Person must don pass through this dark tunnel before e fit understand how dark e be. Still, I go try use comparison explain am.
Make I suppose say dem born me for one land wey thick fog cover, and I never see di beauty of nature, or even one ray of sunlight, although I don hear about these wonders since I young, and I know say di country wey I dey live no be my real home—another land dey, wey I suppose always dey look forward to. Now, this one no be story wey person wey dey live for di land of fog invent; na solemn truth, because di King of that country wey sunlight full live for thirty-three years for di land of darkness, and e pain me say!—di darkness no understand say na Him be di Light of di World._[11]
But, dear Lord, Your child don understand say na You be di Divine Light; she dey beg Your pardon for her brothers and sisters wey no believe, and she ready to chop di bread of sorrow for as long as You wish. Because of her love for You, she go sit for that table of bitterness where these poor sinners dey chop their food, and she no go leave there until You give di sign. But she no fit talk for her own name, and for di name of her brothers and sisters wey get guilt, say: “O God, show us sinners mercy!”[12] Make us righteous before You as You send us go. Make all those wey di light of Faith no dey shine for their life see di light at last! O my God, if one person wey love You fit make that table wey dem dey defile clean, I ready to remain there alone to chop di bread of tears, until e please You to bring me into Your Kingdom of Light: di only favour wey I dey ask be say, make I never give You reason to vex with me.
Since I be small pikin, I feel say one day I go gain freedom from this land of darkness. I believe am, no be only because other people tell me so, but because di deepest desires wey hide for my heart assure me say another country wey fine pass dey wait for me—a place where I go live forever. I be like Christopher Columbus, wey him special intelligence make am foresee di discovery of di New World. And suddenly di fog wey surround me don enter deep inside my soul and cover me so completely that I no fit even picture this promised country for my mind . . . everything don fade away. When my heart, wey don tire because of di darkness wey surround am, try to find small rest for di thought of life wey dey come, my anguish dey increase. E be like say, from inside di darkness, I dey hear di voice of di person wey no believe dey mock me: “You dey dream of one land of light and sweet fragrance, you dey dream say di Creator of these wonders go be your own forever, you think say one day you go escape from this fog where you dey waste away now. No, rejoice for death, wey go give you, no be wetin you dey hope for, but one night wey dark pass, di night where absolutely nothing dey exist!” . . .
Mama wey I love, this description of wetin I dey suffer still far from the true thing, just as the first rough drawing far from the model, but I fear say if I write more, I fit blaspheme . . . even now, I fit don talk too much. Make God forgive me! E know say I dey try live by Faith, even though e no dey give me even the smallest comfort. I don declare my Faith more times for this past year than for all the rest of my life put together.
Any time my enemy wan provoke me to fight, I dey behave like brave soldier. I know say to fight duel na act of cowardice, so, without even looking im face once, I dey turn my back for the enemy, then I dey hurry go meet my Saviour and vow say I ready to shed my blood to bear witness say I believe in Heaven. I dey tell Am say, if only E go graciously open Heaven for poor people wey no believe, I ready to sacrifice all the pleasure wey thinking about Heaven dey give me, as long as I live. And even with this trial wey dey take all comfort from me, I still fit talk say: “You don give me, O Lord, delight for everything wey You dey do.”[13] Because which joy fit pass to suffer because of love for You? The more the suffering plenty and the less people notice am, the more honour and glory e dey bring You. Even if—but I know say e no possible—You no choose to pay attention to my sufferings, I go still happy to bear them, with the hope say my tears fit perhaps prevent or atone for one sin against Faith.
No doubt, Mama wey I love, you go think say I dey exaggerate small about the night of my soul. If you judge by the poems wey I don write this year, e go surely look as if comfort don flood my soul, like pikin wey the veil of Faith don almost tear open for. But still, no be veil—na wall wey rise reach the very heavens and block the sky wey stars full.
When I sing about the happiness of Heaven and to have God as my own forever, I no dey feel any joy for am, because na only wetin I wish to believe I dey sing about. Sometimes, I confess, one small ray of sunshine dey shine inside my dark night, and I dey enjoy peace for one moment, but later, the memory of this ray of light, instead of comforting me, dey make the darkness even thicker.
And yet, I never feel so deeply before how sweet the Lord be and how E full of mercy. E no send me this heavy cross when e for fit discourage me, but for time wey I fit bear am. Now, na only all the natural satisfaction wey I fit feel as I dey long for Heaven e dey take from me.
Mama wey I love, e be like say, for now, nothing dey stop me from flying upward, because I no get any other desire again except to love Am till I die. I dey free; I no fear anything now, not even wetin I fear pass every other thing before: long sickness wey go make me become burden to the Community. If e please the Good God, I ready with full heart for the sufferings of my body and mind to continue for years. I no fear long life; I no dey draw back from the struggle. The Lord na the rock wey I stand on—”Wey dey teach my hands to fight, and my fingers to wage war. Na Him be my Protector, and na Him I don put my hope in.”[14] I never ask God to let me die young. Na true say I don always think say I go die young, but na favour wey I never try to obtain.
Many times, Our Lord dey content with just the desire to do something for His Glory, and you know how great my desires be. You also know say Jesus don offer me more than one bitter chalice through my sisters wey I love dearly. The holy King David talk true when e sing say: “See how good and how pleasant e be for brothers to live together in unity.”[15] But this kind unity fit exist for this earth only where sacrifice dey. No be because I wan dey with my sisters I come this holy Carmel; instead, I know well say to hold back the natural affection wey I get for them go make me suffer plenty.
How person fit talk say to separate yourself from home and friends dey more perfect? Anybody don ever blame brothers wey dey fight side by side, or wey together win the martyr’s palm? No doubt, na true say dem dey encourage one another; but na also true say the martyrdom of each one na martyrdom for all of them.
Na so e still be for life inside religious order; theologians dey call am martyrdom. Heart wey person don give God no dey lose any of the natural love wey e get—instead, this love dey grow stronger as e dey become purer and more spiritual. Na with this love, dear Mama, I take love you and my sisters. I happy to fight beside you for the glory of the King of Heaven, but I ready to go another battlefield if the Divine Commander just show say na wetin E want. E no go even need to give order: just one look or one sign go do.
Since I enter Carmel, I don dey think say if our Lord no take me go Heaven quickly, my own portion go be like the dove of Noe, and say one day E go open the window of the Ark, tell me make I fly go lands of people wey no know God, with olive branch for my mouth. This thought don help me rise above all created things.
As I know say even for Carmel, time must reach when people go part, I try to make Heaven my home; and I accept no be only to live far from home among people wey I no know, but something wey bitter pass that: I accept say my sisters too fit go live far from home. And true-true, the Carmel of Saïgon, wey na our own community start, ask for two of them. For some time, dem seriously consider to send them, and I no gree talk anything to hold them back, even though my heart dey pain as I think about the trials wey dey wait for them. Now, all that don end; the superiors no gree at all make dem go, and I only touch the cup with my lips long enough to taste how e bitter.
Make I tell you, dear Mama, why, if Our Lady heal me, I want answer the call from our Mamas for Hanoï. E be like say person need one very special call from God to live for Carmels wey dey foreign lands, and plenty souls dey think say God don call them when, for true, E never call them. You don tell me say I get this calling, and say na only my health dey block the way. But if na my destiny to leave this Carmel one day, e no go happen without pain for my heart. My heart dey naturally feel things deeply, and because this dey cause plenty suffering, I want offer Jesus everything wey my heart fit bear. For here, you and all the Sisters love me, and this love sweet me well-well, and I dey dream of one convent where nobody go know me, where I go taste the bitterness of living far from home. I know well-well say I no dey useful, so no be because of the work wey I fit do for the Carmel of Hanoï I go leave everything wey I love pass—my only reason go be to do wetin God want and sacrifice myself for Am.
And I no go feel any disappointment, because when na only suffering we dey expect, even the smallest joy go surprise us; and later, suffering itself go become the greatest of all joys, when we dey look for am like precious treasure.
But I know say I no go ever recover from this sickness, and still, peace dey my heart. For years now, I no belong to myself again; I don surrender myself completely to Jesus, and E dey free to do anything wey E want with me. E don talk to me about living far from home, and E don ask me whether I go agree to drink from that chalice. At once, I try to take hold of am, but E draw His Hand back and show me say na only my agreement E want.
O my God! See how much worry we dey free ourselves from through the vow of obedience! Happy na the Sister wey get simple heart. Since na wetin her superiors want be her only guide, she dey always sure say she dey follow the right road, and she no dey fear say she fit make mistake, even when e be like say her superiors dey make mistake. But if she stop to follow the compass wey no dey ever miss road, her soul go stray at once enter dry, barren lands, where the waters of grace go quickly finish. Dear Mama, na you be the compass wey Jesus don give me to guide me safely reach the Eternal Shore. E sweet me well-well to fix my eyes on you, then do wetin my Lord want. As E allow me suffer these temptations against Faith, E don greatly increase the spirit of Faith for me, wey dey make me see Am as E dey live inside your soul and dey use you pass His holy commands to me.
I know well-well say you dey make the load of obedience light for me, but deep inside my heart, I feel say my attitude no go change, and the love wey I get for you as your pikin no go reduce, even if you treat me strictly: na because I go still see the Will of God as e dey show itself through another way for the greater good of my soul.
Among the grace dem wey I don receive this year, wey nobody fit count, one wey no small at all na to understand how far the command to love God and our neighbour reach. Before now, I never understand well these words of Our Lord: “The second commandment be like the first one: Make you love your neighbour as you love yourself.”[16] Above every other thing, I don make up my mind to love God, and na as I dey love Am I discover the hidden meaning of these other words: “No be people wey dey talk, Lord, Lord! go enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but na the person wey dey do wetin My Father want.”[17]
Jesus show me wetin this Will be when, for the Last Supper, He give His New Commandment as He tell His Apostles make dem love one another as He don love dem.[18] I begin find out how He don love His Apostles; and I see say no be because of the natural good qualities wey dem get, because dem no get learning, and earthly ideas full their mind. Even so, He call dem His Friends, His Brothers; He want see dem near Am for His Father Kingdom, and so that He fit let dem enter this Kingdom, He choose to die for the Cross, as He talk say: “Nobody get love wey pass this one, say person give im life for im friends.”[19]
As I dey meditate on these words from God, I see how the love wey I get for my fellow Sista dem for religious life still get plenty shortcoming. I understand say I no love dem as Our Lord love dem. Now I know say true love of God and neighbour mean to bear with all our neighbour dem their faults—not to surprise because dem weak, but to let even their smallest good character build us up. Above all, I know say love no suppose remain locked inside heart, because “Nobody dey light candle come put am for hidden place, or under basket; instead, e dey put am for lampstand, so that people wey enter fit see the light.”[20]
Dear Mother, e be like say this candle stand for that love wey dey give light and joy, no be only to people wey dear to us, but to all the people wey belong to the household.
For the Old Law, when God tell His people make dem love their neighbour as dem love theirself, He never come down to earth; and as He know very well how human being dey love imself, He no fit ask for anything wey pass that one. But when Our Lord give His Apostles a New Commandment—”His own commandment”[21]—He no stop for just to talk say: “Make you love your neighbour as you love yourself,” but He want make dem love just as He don love, and as He go continue to love till the end of time.
O my Jesus! You no dey ever ask for wetin no possible; You know pass me how weak I be and how much shortcoming I get, and You know say I no go ever fit love my Sista dem as You don love dem, unless na You dey love dem inside me, dear Lord! Na because You want give me this grace You give a New Commandment. Oh, how I love am, because e assure me say na Your Will to love, inside me, all the people wey You command me to love!
Yes, I know say when I show love to other people, na just Jesus dey work inside me, and the closer I join to Am, the more dearly I dey love my Sista dem. If I want make this love grow for my heart, and devil try to bring one Sista im faults come my mind, I dey quick look for her good character and the good reasons wey make her do wetin she do; I dey remind myself say even though I fit don see her fall once, surely she don win many battles against herself, wey she hide because she humble. E even possible say wetin look like fault to me fit well be good deed, because of her good intention. E no dey hard me to believe this, because the same thing don happen to me. One day, when we dey relax together, the Sista wey dey look after the gate come ask for one Sista to help her. I really want do this work, like small pikin wey set im mind on something, and e come happen say na me dem choose. So I begin fold our sewing work, but I dey do am so slowly that the Sista wey dey beside me, wey I know say go like take my place, ready before me. The Sista wey ask for help, as she see how I dey take my time, laugh come talk say: “I think say you no go add this pearl to your crown, you too slow,” and the whole Community think say I don give in to that natural feeling of not wanting to do the work. I no fit tell you how much this thing help me, and e make me dey bear with other people. E still dey hold back any feeling of pride when people praise me, because I dey think say, if people fit mistake my small good deeds for shortcomings, why dem no go fit mistake my shortcomings for good deeds? And I dey talk with St. Paul say: “For me, na very small thing for una to judge me, or for human being im day to judge me. But even me no dey judge myself. Na the Lord dey judge me.”[22]
And na di Lord, na Jesus, be my judge. So I go always try to think about other people with mercy, so that He go judge me with mercy, or rather, make He no judge me at all, since He talk say: “Make una no judge, and dem no go judge una.”[23]
But as I return to di Holy Gospel where Our Lord explain clearly to me wetin His New Commandment mean, I read for St. Matthew say: “Una don hear as dem talk say, Make you love your neighbour, and hate your enemy: but I dey tell una say, Make una love una enemies, and pray for people wey dey persecute una.”[24]
Of course, no enemies dey for Carmel; but still, some people dey wey we naturally like, and some wey we no like. We fit feel drawn to one Sister, and temptation fit come to pass long road just to avoid another one. Well, Our Lord tell me say na this Sister I suppose love and pray for, even if her behaviour fit make me imagine say she no care about me. “If una love people wey love una, wetin una deserve thanks for? Because even sinners dey love people wey love dem.”[25] And to love alone no enough; we must show our love by wetin we do. Naturally, person dey like to please im friend, but that one no be di love wey God dey ask of us, because sinners dey do di same thing.
Our Lord still teach me say: “Give everybody wey ask you; and if person take your things, no ask am to return dem.”[26] To give everybody wey ask no dey sweet person reach to give because e choose to give by imself. If dem ask us politely, e easy to give; but if dem ask us without respect, then, unless our love don perfect, something inside us go resist, and we go find excuses upon excuses to refuse. Maybe, after we first point out how di person ask without respect, we go make our agreement to help look like such big favour, sotey di time to do di small service go far less pass di time we waste to argue about am. And if e hard to give anybody wey ask, e far harder to allow person take wetin belong to us without asking am to return am. Mama wey I love, I talk say this thing hard, but wetin I suppose talk na say e look like say e hard, because “Di Lord yoke sweet and His load light.”[27] And when we submit to that yoke, we go feel im sweetness at once.
I don talk say Jesus no want make I ask for wetin be my own to come back to me. This one suppose look very easy, because, for truth, nothing be my own. So I suppose happy whenever something happen wey make me really understand di poverty wey I don take vow to live in. Before, I dey think say I don completely free my heart from attachment to things, but since Our Lord words don clear to me, I see say I still far from perfect indeed.
For example: when I wan start to paint, if I see say di brushes scatter, and ruler or small knife no dey where e suppose dey, I dey feel like losing patience, and I must hold myself well so that my feelings no go show. Of course, I fit ask for these things wey I need, and if I ask with humility, I no dey disobey Our Lord command. Then I be like poor people wey stretch out their hands to beg for wetin dem need to live, and if dem refuse dem, e no dey surprise dem, since nobody owe dem anything. Deep peace dey fill di soul when e rise above ordinary natural feelings. No joy reach di joy wey people wey truly poor for spirit dey share. If dem ask for something wey dem need without letting their heart cling to am, and dem no only refuse dem, but still try to take wetin dem already get, dem dey follow di Master advice: “If anybody wan take your coat, allow am take your cloak too.”[28] As I see am, to give up your cloak mean to give up every right, and to see yourself as everybody servant, everybody slave. Without cloak, e easier to waka or run, and so di Master add say: “And anybody wey force you to go one mile, go another two with am.”[29]
So, e no enough for me to give anybody wey ask—I suppose notice wetin dem want even before dem ask, and show say I glad to help; but if dem take anything wey be my own comot, I suppose show say I glad to let am go. I no fit always follow the words of the Gospel word for word, because sometimes I no get choice but to refuse some request. Still, when love don get deep root for soul, e go show for outside, and person fit refuse wetin e no fit give with so much kindness, wey the refusal go give as much joy as the gift for give. Na true say people no dey hesitate to ask those wey dey readily help, but I no suppose avoid Sisters wey dey press their request with the excuse say I go need to refuse. Our Divine Master don talk say: “No turn away from person wey wan borrow from you.”[30] And I no suppose show kindness just to make people see me as kind person, or because I hope say the Sister go help me in return, because dem write again say: “If una lend to people wey una hope to receive from, wetin una deserve thanks for? Because sinners too dey lend to sinners so that dem go receive the same amount back. But make una do good and lend, without hoping to get anything from am, and una reward go great.”[31]
True-true, the reward great even for this earth. For this road, na only the first step dey hard. To lend without hope say dem go pay you back dey look hard; person go prefer to just give the thing as gift, because wetin you give no be your own again. When one Sister talk with confidence say: “I want make you help me for some hours—I don get permission from our Mother, and make you rest assured say I go do the same for you later,” person fit know well say these hours wey e lend no go come back to am, and e fit strongly feel the temptation to talk say: “I prefer to give the hours.” But that one go satisfy love of self, and e go still make the Sister feel say you no too trust her promise. God’s commandments dey go against wetin our nature dey draw us to do, and without the help of grace, e no go possible to understand dem, not to talk of putting dem into practice.
Dear Mother, I feel say wetin I write no clear pass as e normally dey, and I no know wetin you fit find wey go interest you for these pages wey dey jump from one thing to another. But I no dey try to write one great work of literature, and if all this talk about love tire you, at least e go show the good intention of your pikin. I must confess say I still far from living up to the kind life wey I dey aim for, but even the desire to live that life dey give me peace. If I fall into any fault, I dey stand up again at once—and for some months now, I no even need to struggle. I don fit talk with our holy Father, St. John of the Cross, say: “My house dey completely at peace,” and I believe say this peace inside me come from one victory wey I win over myself. Since that victory, the hosts of Heaven don hurry come help me, because dem no go allow make I get wound, now wey I don fight with so much courage.
One holy nun for our community dey annoy me for everything wey she do; the devil must don get hand for the matter, and na him, without any doubt, make me see so many things wey I no like for her. I no want give in to the dislike wey I naturally feel, because I remember say love suppose show for action, no be only for feelings. So I make up my mind to do for this Sister everything wey I suppose do for the person wey I love pass. Every time wey I meet her, I dey pray for her, and I dey offer her virtues and merits to God. I feel say this one dey please Our Lord well-well, because no artist dey wey no dey glad when people praise im work, and the Divine Artist wey make souls dey pleased when we no stop for wetin dey outside, but enter deep into the inner sanctuary wey He don choose, and admire the beauty wey dey there.
I no stop for only praying for this Sister, wey give me so many chances to learn how to control myself. I try to help her in as many ways as I fit, and whenever temptation come to answer her harshly, I dey quick to smile and change the topic, because the Imitation talk say: “E better to leave everybody with the way dem dey think than to give in to arguments wey dey cause quarrel.” And sometimes, when the temptation strong well-well, I go run like soldier wey abandon battlefield, if I fit do am without making the Sister suspect the struggle wey dey go on inside me.
One day, she talk to me with face wey shine with joy: “My dear Soeur Thérèse, tell me wetin dey draw you to me, because anytime wey we meet, you dey greet me with such sweet smile.” Ah! Na Jesus wey hide deep inside her soul dey draw me—Jesus wey dey make even the thing wey bitter pass become sweet.
Dear Mother, I just talk about how to run comot na my last way to escape defeat. I gree say e no be thing wey deserve honour, but during my novitiate, anytime I use this way, e dey always work. I go give you one clear example wey I sure say go make you laugh. You don dey sick with bronchitis for several days, and all of us dey worry about you. One morning, as part of my work as sacristan, I come return the keys for the grille where dem dey give Communion. Na my work be this, and I glad well-well say I get chance to see you, even though I take care make I no show am. One of the Sisters, wey dey worry well-well about you, fear say I go wake you, so she try collect the keys from me. I tell her with all the politeness wey I fit show say, just like her, me too no want make any noise dey, and I add say na my right to return the keys. Now I see say e for better pass if I just give way, but I no see am like that then, so I follow her enter the room. Before long, wetin she fear happen: the noise wake you. All the blame fall on me; the Sister wey I argue with begin one long talk, and the main thing wey she dey talk na: Sister Thérèse na im make all the noise. My body dey hot to defend myself, but grace bring one good thought come my mind. I think say if I begin explain why I no dey wrong, I go surely lose my peace of mind. And as I no get enough virtue to let dem accuse me wrongly without answering, my last chance to stay safe na to run comot. As the thought come, na so I do am. I hurry comot, but my heart dey beat so hard that I no fit go far, and I get to sit down for the stairs to enjoy the fruit of my victory in peace. Without doubt, this kind courage strange, but I think say e better make person no put imself for where defeat sure.
When I remember those days of my novitiate, I understand how far I still dey from perfection, and when I remember some things, dem dey make me laugh. God don good to me well-well, as He train my soul and give am wings! All the traps of the hunter no fit frighten me again, because “To spread net before the eyes of those wey get wings na waste of time.”[32]
E fit be say one day, when I look the way I dey now, I go see plenty faults, but nothing dey surprise me now, and I no even dey trouble myself because I weak like this. Instead, I dey boast of this weakness, and every day I dey expect to find fresh imperfections. In fact, I must confess say this light wey dey show me how I be nothing dey do my soul more good than light about matters of Faith. As I remember say “Love dey cover plenty sins,”[33] I dey draw from this rich mine wey Our Saviour don open for us inside the Gospels. I dey search deep inside His words wey deserve adoration, and I dey cry out with David: “I don run for the way of Your commandments, since You don make my heart wide.”[34] And na only love fit make the heart wide. O Jesus! Since the sweet flame of love dey burn my heart, I dey run with joy for the way of Your New Commandment, and I want continue to run for that way until that blessed day when, together with Your company of Virgins, I go follow You through Your Kingdom wey no get boundary, as I dey sing Your New Song—The Song of Love. ______________________________
[1] 1 Kings 16:7.
[2] Tobias 12:7.
[3] Compare am with Isaias 3:10.
[4] Prov. 9:4.
[5] Isa. 66:12, 13.
[6] Compare am with Ps. 70[71]:17, 18.
[7] Sister Thérèse dey in charge of the novices, even though dem no give her the title of Novice Mistress.
[8] Ps. 118[119]:141.
[9] Ps. 118[119]:100, 105, 106.
[10] Luke 1:49.
[11] Compare am with John 1:5.
[12] Compare am with Luke 18:13.
[13] Ps. 91[92]:5.
[14] Ps. 143[144]:1, 2.
[15] Ps. 132[133]:1.
[16] Matt. 22:39.
[17] Compare am with Matt. 7:21.
[18] Compare am with John 13:34.
[19] John 15:12.
[20] Luke 11:33.
[21] John 15:12.
[22] 1 Cor. 4:3,4.
[23] Luke 6:37.
[24] Matt. 5:43, 44.
[25] Luke 6:32.
[26] Luke 6:30.
[27] Matt. 11:30.
[28] Matt. 5:40.
[29] Matt. 5:41.
[30] Matt. 5:42.
[31] Luke 6:34, 35.
[32] Prov. 1:27.
[33] Prov. 10:12.
[34] Ps. 118[119]:32.
List of Wetin Dey Inside Tori of One Soul
List of Wetin Dey Inside Wetin Saint Thérèse Teach: Di Wisdom of God’s Small Flower